For a successful marriage

marriage is the most important moment of a Christian after his baptism. after marriage a person is not alone, an individual, but he becomes one with another person. it is as god created human beings. in a marriage.
this is the natural and normal condition, to be in marriage not alone.
but as we see today, there are so many divorces. and more unhappy conditions in non divorced families, quarrellings etc... many young people today are afraid to get married because they experienced the quarrellings and many other hardships from their parents.
so i would like to give some humble advice from the orthodox point of view. and my poor experience as a spiritual father.

 marriage is a very delicate thing. it is the sacrament of love. and needs special care. like a beautiful flower, to keep and preserve needs water, sun, needs to protect from the cold air, etc... the love also , -even if started as very strong love- needs care so to increase otherwise it will gradually decrease and unfortunately disappear.

 good marriage is a very spiritual achievement. some people search for Mr. or Ms . right . but we must remember husband and wife is not only a matter of good choice but a becoming. YOU BECOME CONTINUOUSLY GOOD HUSBAND/WIFE. like to be father or mother, it is not only to be the biological father but to continue to love unconditionally, to take care, to protect, to teach the kid and bear all his problems. then you BECOME A FATHER OR MOTHER. the same is for the marriage. YOU BECOME HUSBAND OR WIFE if you love unconditionally, take care, bear the difficulties, accept the weakness of the other.

 for orthodox theology the union of man and woman is the most fundamental. KJG Mark 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; it says leave his previous family , and cleave=stick to his wife. but unfortunately many couples , lack spirituality and they do not 'leave' so

o many times parents continue to interfere with the couple and this is very bad if the couple allow them, even they have good intentions. nobody must interfere to the couple

o the kids become more important that should be. i mean sometimes some parent loves the kid MORE THAT THE HUSBAND/WIFE and this creates problem in the relationship of the couple. this is a big mistake. the kid will grow up and make his own family , the kid MUST KJG Mark 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; so what remains is the love of the parents. and actually if you do not love your wife/husband you do not love healthy and correctly the kid. because the love for kid COMES FROM THE MUTUAL LOVE OF THE COUPLE, NOT AS INDIVIDUAL LOVE OF THE HUSBAND OR WIFE TO THE KID. and loving a kid by a sick love you also harm his character and make an emotionally sick kid.

o the couple must put as first priority to keep their love. in life always there are situations . we cannot say, now i have no time for my wife because it is urgent i must do this, etc... or because i must take care of the kids. as a spiritual father i always remember the surprise of the people with whom i talked when i advised them very strongly and seriously to dedicate every week one afternoon for THEM ONLY. to remember their love, to renew their love, not to allow the daily routine to destroy the romance of their first love. job is always, never stops. it is up to us to put priorities. they used to say to me ... but the kids need time for care etc... but i say that really feeds the kids is the love between the parents. if the parents quarrel, even not in front of them, even in the other side of the world, the kids know , because their heart is pure and they have telepathy. they know but they cannot express they feel a deep pain . so the love of the parents MAINLY feeds the kid.

 to keep the love is also to make the love not selfish . not like watching a mirror . in marriage 2 people together GO SOMEWHERE. they go to the kingdom of heavens. they have a goal a common purpose. they cannot just live in the same house only for the biological needs. they must improve and help each other to improve. it is beautiful if they really try to practice this way , the way of spirituality. this will give a meaning even to their weakness , a medicine to the quarrellings.

o they must respect the personality of each other. even the one is very educated must share with the other, and also show interest for what the other considers as interesting , even he things that this is stupid. nothing is useless or stupid. if the wife for example likes some small things and the husband is a philosopher, he must also so care to learn the small women things like cosmetics etc.... it is politeness and real love. because they ARE A PART OF HIM ANYHOW SINCE HE IS ONE WITH HIS WIFE.

 the holy communion helps the people to renew their union. in the first church marriages the first couples where receiving the holy communion together. and of course to confess is very important. because it is not the mistakes we do the most important things. it is the mistakes that we do not try to solve, it is that we do not repent, we do not try to heal. the confession and the forgiveness is the stability of the marriage. i like to read the prayer of forgiveness to a couple together. of course they confess separately (if they want, there are couples who confess together but those couples are very rare , very few so spiritual that they have nothing to hide from each other) and they must know that the sin of the one is also the sin of the other because they are couple. i remember my mother. she is dead now. once she went to confess to an old priest , not high educated and easy to be upset. my mother asked him to help her , asking her about different sins , so that she will remember (obviously she was not prepared to confess...) but the old priest asked her a very strange question" does your husband go to church, confess etc...? " my mother was very surprised. she told him, what my husband has do do with me? i am hear to confess , not him ask me about my sins. but the old priest told her in his upset way" do not you know that you are couple? that your sins are your husband sins and his sins are yours? " after years i realized the wisdom of the old priest. he did not study theology. but he was a real orthodox and a good husband. i will never forget him. i remember him after the long ceremonies of the holy week, very late about 11pm or later to leave the church to go to his house with his old wife holding each other and helping each other in the street. like one . i remember their white hair and how they walked together , like one person. may their memory be eternal....

 of course the couple must pray together. this is very basic to keep their love and forgive each others mistakes. as you know it is not any big thing between them which makes them to divorce , it is the small everyday stupid things, the small mistakes and misunderstandings which gradually, because they do not solve them and cure them become gradually big. like a small wound, which if you do not take care can finally cause your death.

 the marriage must not make the wife a lazy person , a house wife whose job is only to clean the house everyday and gossip and watch tv and quarrel with all. she must have some job or some art if she wants to take care of the kids, something to keep her creativity.

 they must remember that even they love each other , there is somebody who loves them MORE and this is god. they must trust this love and take from this love.

 they must remember between the couple there is no meaning to say who is right and who is wrong and accuse each other. they are not in a debate. there is no winner between them. they are both one. they are both right and wrong. so they must understand , in the time of temptation in the time of quarreling that it is pointless , meaningless to say you are wrong, i am right. because they should learn that they are one, practice this and be trained to this.

 and they must finally know that love is forever, love is above the death, if they love, they overcome the death.

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